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雅思前考官亲讲细改案例,别让模板和套句毁了你的雅思作文

雅思作文的高分秘诀是什么?

“a clear position” ☞ 整篇文章要有清晰明确的论点;

“logically organises” ☞ 条理清晰的围绕中心思想进行观点的论证;

“extends and supports”☞ 写作内容不仅仅是泛泛而谈,通过一些举例、详细论述等对观点进行论证

OK,“纸上谈兵”谁都能谈几句,但真要落笔开始写,很多人却终究不得其法。实践出真知,说的再多也不如一篇详细案例来的有用。

今天,孜循特整理雅思前考官细改案例,希望同学们能从中了解和学习到雅思的写作技巧。

作文题目

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.

提高汽油价格是解决日益增长的交通和污染问题的最佳途径。

To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?

你在多大程度上同意或不同意? 你认为还有哪些其他措施可能有效?

学生原文

It is no doubt that traffic and pollution have become a sever problem in both urban and rural areas.[a] Lots of countries simply raised the petrol price in order to deal with according problems.[b] From my own  perspective, I believed that this solution is inappropriate and lack of consideration.[c]If we traced down to the origin of pollution problem and traffic pressure, we can find that the private use of car would be the role that contribute the most in thissituation. [d]

The high petrol price would only rise the cost of using vehicle for citizens but cannot solve the problem fundamentally. [e]The use of vehicle is inelastic and people will not choose the uncomfortable and limited public transportation even if the petrol price is out of the roof. [f]On the other hand, the petrol price also affects delivery cost of commercial goods, high pressure of low income family, etc. [g]

In order to tackle this problem, various of methods can be utilized, such as improving the service and coverage of public transportation.[h] People would like to choose public transportation if it has lower price, enjoyable experience and high speed.[i] Such as Gaotie(high speed  train)  in  China,  people  would not choose to drive by themselves if the trip is longer than 100 kilometres because of its high level of services, incredible speed, extremely cheap price and humongous coverage.[j] The first instalment might be huge, but  it  can solve the problem permanently.[k] The short distance commute can also be solved by establishing fully-covered underground public transportation.[l]

In conclusion, the rising price of petrol is not  the  saviour  of  according problems but the public transportation.[m] If the city traffic network is incomplete, driving vehicles would be the best solution of daily commute and it will cause traffic and pollution problems.[n]

雅思前考官总体修改意见

I’ve summarized my feedback about overall possible score below, then included comments for the essay on improvements that could be made.

1Task Achievement

I would guess Task Achievement would score around 6. Your position is clear (ie: that you disagree), but your introduction and conclusion could be clearer. 

预估作文在任务完成方面将得6分左右。作文观点明确(即:你不同意),但作文介绍和结论还可以更清楚。

2
Coherence and Cohesion

I would guess Coherence and Cohesion would score between 6 and 7. Your ideas are logically organized. Some of your cohesive devices are inappropriate. The central idea in most of your paragraphs is clear. 

预估在连贯性与衔接性方面将得6到7分。作文构思具有条理性。但一些衔接方法不合适。大部分段落中的中心思想很明确。

3
Lexical Resource

I would guess that Lexical Resource would score around 6. You attempt to use some uncommon vocabulary, but have some inaccuracies in usage which confuse your meaning. 

预估在词法多样性方面将得为6分左右。作文尝试使用一些不常见的词汇,但在用法上有一些不准确之处会让读者混淆。

4Grammatical Range and Accuracy

I would guess Grammatical Range and Accuracy would score around 6. You have done a good job using a mix of sentence structures, but make errors. 

预估在语法范围和准确度方面将得6分左右。作文运用了多种句子结构,这是件好事,但在运用中犯了很多错误。

考官细节修改

[a]It is no doubt that traffic and pollution have become a sever problem in both urban and rural areas.

 “it is no doubt” 改成 “there is no doubt”

 “sever” 改成“severe”

[b]Lots of countries simply raised the petrol price in order to deal with according problems.

只有在描述过去发生的事例,才用过去时态,但是这里描述的是普遍事物,需要用一般现在时,应改为: “Lots of countries simply raise”

“raise the petrol price”改成“raise the price of petrol” or “raise  petrol prices”

“according problems”没有这种固定搭配,应改成 “these problems”. 

[c]From my own perspective, I believed that this solution is inappropriate and lack of consideration.

“believed” 改成“believe”

 如该句中所用,“lack of consideration” 在语法上是不正确的。你写是“this solution is inappropriate”and“this solution lack of consideration““lack”要用三单形式。

你可以说“this solution lacks consideration of“但是,在这里你需要阐明你的理由。

[d]If we traced down to the origin of pollution problem and traffic pressure, we can find that the private use of car would be the role that contribute the most in this situation.

 “traced down to”改成 “trace”

“pollution problem and traffic pressure” 改成“pollution problems and traffic pressures” 或者“the pollution problem and traffic

pressure”

 “we can find” 改成“we find”

 “private use of car”改成“use of private cars”

 “would be” 改成 “is”

“the role that contributes the most in this situation.” 表达不够地道,应改成“the biggest contributing factor to the situation.”

[e] The high petrol price would only rise the cost of using vehicle for citizens but cannot solve the problem fundamentally.

“The high petrol price” 改成“High petrol prices”

“would only rise” 改成 “only raise”

“the cost of using vehicle for citizens” 改成 “the cost of using vehicles for citizens”

“fundamentally”描述了问题是怎样解决,因此应在动词旁边:“but cannot fundamentally solve the problem.”

[f] The use of vehicle is inelastic and people will not choose the uncomfortable and limited public transportation even if the petrol price is out of the roof.

 “inelastic”是经济学中用来描述需求的术语;我们通常会看到两个词配对:即:inelastic demand, or the demand is inelastic

“ and”后面的句子部分解释了“inelastic”(这意味着具有相等权重的两个点)。

当价格过高时,我们说价格是“going through the roof” 而不是“out of the roof”

[g] On the other hand, the petrol price also affects delivery cost of commercial goods, high pressure of low income family, etc.

“On the other hand”是用来表达反对意见的。在这句话中,我想你是在说高汽油价的另一影响。因此,你应该使“Also”, “In addition”, “As well”, or “Additionally”

 切勿在文章中以etc结尾的句子。

 目前尚不清楚这两点与你的论点有何关系,即高油价不能解决交通和污染问题。 应该澄清一下,或者删掉这句话。

[h] In order to tackle this problem, various of methods can be utilized, such as improving the service and coverage of public transportation.

“various of methods”改成“various methods”

应该在该短语描述的后面紧跟“such as”

“utilized”改成“implemented”可能会更好地表达你的意思。

[i] People would like to choose public transportation if it has lower price, enjoyable experience and high speed.

“people would like to choose” 改成  “people will choose”.这是一个条件状语从句→是说如果满足条件就会发生或将要发生的事情

→ has lower price, has enjoyable experience, and has high speed. 如你所见,这在语法上是不正确的,它们需要用不同的动词来搭配。

你应该说:“if it is high speed, provides an enjoyable experience, and has a lower price.”

[j] Such as Gaotie(high speed train) in China, people would not choose to drive by themselves if the trip is longer than 100 kilometres because of its high level of services, incredible speed, extremely cheap price and humongous coverage.

 句子绝不能以“Such as”开头,因其要放在名词的后面。

 这句话似乎是一个条件状语从句,即:if it’s cold tomorrow, I’ll go skiing, but it is very long and incorrectly structured. 我建议将其拆分为两个句子,这比一个长句子要容易理解。

 不要在作文中使用“humongous”或其他俚语。humongous意味着“巨大的”“庞大的”。 这里指它涵盖了一个很大的区域,应改为“extensive”

[k]The first instalment might be huge, but it can solve the problem permanently.

“permanently”修饰动词 “solve”因此应改为“permanently solve”

[l] The short distance commute can also be solved by establishing fully covered underground public transportation.

 无法解决通勤 问题,应这样写:“ the issue of short distance commutes can be resolved by… ”或者“ the short distance commute problem can be solved by…” 

在谈论建筑时“developing”比“establishing”更好。

“transportation system”比“transportation”具有更多的描述性,并且意味着整个交通网络。

[m] In conclusion, the rising price of petrol is not the saviour of according problems but the public transportation.

 “the rising price of petrol”是一个名词短语,从总体上讲,是指一个事件,这里需要使用动词: raising the price of petrol

“according problems” 这两个词没有这种搭配用法,应改为说“these problems” instead,但我认为你需要为读者重述该问题。

[n] If the city traffic network is incomplete, driving vehicles would be the best solution of daily commute and it will cause traffic and pollution problems.

这句话对读者而言并不清楚。你所说的“城市交通网络”是指上一段提到的地下交通系统。如果是这样,你需要将其与该想法联系起来,这里旨意并不明显。 

你是说长途旅行和短途通勤问题都需要通过发展公共交通来解决吗?但是,如果公共交通系统的发展不能解决长途旅行特别是短途通勤问题,那么交通和污染问题将依然存在。

雅思前考官总评

1. Your overall essay structure and paragraphing is very good and the ideas are logically organized.

2. There are two areas where you make repeated errors that I suggest you focus on:

○ Sentence structure: Study/review grammar rules for different types of sentence structure: ie – complex, compound, and conditional sentence structure. I can see you are attempting to write these sentences, but there are specific grammar rules you need to follow. See my comments on specific sentences within your essay.

○ Articles: the correct use of articles is complex and difficult for non-native English speakers.

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